Log in

No account? Create an account
anything but the blatant proof was your lips touching mine in the photobooth.
20 most recent entries

Date:2008-08-11 22:23

i believe in medication
and i believe in therapy
and i believe in crystal light
because i believe in me, yeah
it's so uplifting, fuck yeah.

post a comment

Date:2008-02-10 23:04

i want to always feel like part of this was mine

post a comment

Date:2008-01-23 14:03
Subject:too much time on digg?

last night i dreamed that i was hitting on kevin rose, and apparently i wanted to have sex with him really badly.

i havent watched diggnation in so long :(

post a comment

Date:2008-01-22 21:39
Subject:science: it works, bitches.


with all respect to everyone's views, and whatever you're trying to protect....trees, cats, dogs, mice, science, medicine, sanity, etc.

i'm really sick and tired of people making me feel guilty about liking science and being a science major. I feel like there's some huge stigma about it now that the protests are going on, and frankly, i dont enjoy being nervous whenever i walk by the front of PSB. i really am torn between telling those people off and leaving me and my beloved medical research alone, and recognizing they're people too living in a TREE of all fucking places, and just really wanting to send them some soup and a blanket. Even though i feel that they are trespassing, i dont want anyone turning into a parking lot pancake.

and what's with biomedical research being evil? i want to be a doctor...I want to have a life in medicine...does that mean i'm evil too? what about us premeds that want to help and have a respect for life in general?

i'm tired of everyone arguing, accusing, and lumping people into unattractive stereotypes. hey, if you dont like being called a dirty stupid tree hugging hippy, dont make me feel like a cold hearted kitty killing asshole science major.

i just dream of the old days when ucsc_chatter was filled with happiness and pictures of corgis.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-12-10 22:06

i am sitting in the science library right now, trying to fucking figure out the basal ganglia, and trying really really hard not to feel like a fucking failure at neuroscience/biology/premedicine/life.

it's not really looking all that good.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-12-09 16:04

can you still feel the butterflies

post a comment

Date:2007-12-05 22:58
Subject:do not want

anon con is eating my soul.

oh, so many dark secrets i'd love to post.

5 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-12-04 17:25
Subject:last real week of school

Last night i relinquished my pledge mom duties, and after a year of being on exec, i basically have nothing to do now in KGD.
so now i can focus on classes, lots of catching up, and lots of self-preservation.

today has been a better day so far. spirits are generally high, and i dont have a mind-splitting headache.
the mosts exciting thing coming up though is going to be this friday. chris won tickets off the radio for the third (!) time in about a year and a half, after seeing AFI and smashing pumpkins (for free!!) we're going to not so silent night in SF, and the little prize package includes going back to jimmy eat world's dressing room and having a little acoustic show with them.

it's only been around eight years that i've been waiting to see them, including two failed attempts to go to their shows in the past couple of years. So in a somewhat sentimental (silly) sense i feel that it's crazy important that i get to see them now.

i just know i'm going to feel super old when i go on friday though. i've been feeling realy old in general.

4 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-10-11 21:17
Subject:you've got to learn how to swallow your pride sometime.

i'm sick of sitting in silence, and i'm sick of how it always feels like we're keeping score.

post a comment

Date:2007-10-09 23:31

FUCK. i dropped my blackberry today, and now it has a FAT CRACK ON THE SCREEN.

this, along with the difficulties of today, topped the cake and i got extremely angry and wanted to punch someone in the face.
ughhhh why is life kicking my ass


i think i need a punching bag in my room

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-09-20 02:02
Subject:lately i've been wanting to date older men...don't ask me why

can you believe i've had this journal for about 4 years?

i was sifting through entries and there are some from december of 2003.

most of the entries here are either about a.) boys. b.) finals/exams c.) how it's x AM and how i should be sleeping d.) emo, then more indie lyrics sprinkled throughout entries and random thoughts.


- trying to get into a research lab on campus (which would require taking out mice brains and slicing them ever so thinly. i still dont really know how to feel about that, but in theory it seems cool.)
- gearing up for being head pledge mom of KGD and taking in a new class. the first weeks of the quarter are going to be ridiculous for me.
- still...unpacking. my room is pretty much done with the exception of a box or two full of miscellaneous things. this quarter with mayim studying abroad, i'm going to be living with 4 other boys, which i am totally fine with.
- dealing with chris being in baltimore, he's coming home either this sunday or monday. we had a little tiff on the phone today. i'm starting to feel like i'm in a place where it would be great if we stayed together, and also acceptable that if he graduated this year and i stayed at UCSC, that i'd live, and even maybe look forward to diving into the dating scene. i've recently realized that i have never really dated anyone, and the prospects of getting to know more people and seeing who'd be interested in me seems fascinating.

i feel like the honeymoon phase is over, that instead of the heart pattering, stomach fluttering feeling that there's just this sense of constant comfort and normalcy. he obviously loves me. i just worry sometimes that we don't have those moments anymore, that excitement.

the only thing that really tells me everything's ok is that when we're in bed, and sometimes i wake up, and i see him asleep and facing me, i think to myself, he's gorgeous, and he doesnt even know it, and he loves me, and i get to wake up to that every day. and then, i get the slightest little flutter in my stomach, even after three years.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-09-15 02:47
Subject:ho to the rmones.

after that the floodgates opened up
and i fell in love with everyone i saw

note to self: stop developing crushes on every guy you meet/know *. unless they're assholes. in that case, to hell with them.

* this includes any more biochem/chemistry TAs that i have. god, eric hoobler is such a hottie. i swear the chemistry department engineers/synthsizes really smart, cute guys in secret labs they have in PSB.

i want to make out :(

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-09-08 03:32
Subject:sam never sleeps

Where Are The Dogs Humping.com

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-09-04 04:29

Where Are The Dogs Humping.com

2 comments | post a comment

Date:2007-09-03 03:54

jimmy eat world - oct 2 @ the catalyst (!!!!)
the velvet teen - oct 17 @ bottom of the hill
minus the bear - nov 6 @ the fillmore
motion city soundtrack - nov 30 @ the warfield

I WANT TO SEE ALL OF THESE. jimmy eat world, i've been trying to see for years, i had ticketsto see them freshman year...but that was the day my grandpa died, and i just couldnt bear to do anything that day. the only thing is that oct 2 is GAME night during rush week. :( i'd feel bad if i didnt go since rush week is such a big deal. if it were any other band i wouldnt have to think about it. but just because jew has this weird sentimental context, i feel like it would mean more to be personally, if that makes any sense at all.

and fucking velvet teen and mtb. minusthe bear i also missed when they came to santa cruz.bleh. lots of redeeming shows to go to.

and motion city soundtrack, well, i've been waiting years for that too. it will probably be full of crazy annoying young'uns. it's funny because mae is opening for them, and i used to be so crazy about them..now,not so much.

i think after see the smashing pumpkins and ted leo & the pharmacists, i'm on a show-kick.

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-08-28 01:26


post a comment

Date:2007-08-26 23:13
Subject:this is what happens when you live with boys.

"filigree can suck my nuts"

"titties on yo' back!
balls in yo' mouth!
dicks on yo' face!"
-bailey doing a freestyle

1 comment | post a comment

Date:2007-08-24 03:20

Maybe tomorrow marks the end
of this painful phase we're in
maybe the sunrise shows the way for us
maybe the stars that fill your eyes
are the stars that have been
leading my whole life
just to end up with you

but when you get so close i run and hide
close your eyes, count backwards
i don't give up without a fight
here i come, i'll find you
and love, i'm yours
if you'll turn me out
when you need me, i'll be there
we hide and seek
but always leave hand in hand

maybe this chapter marks the start
of no more broken hearts
maybe the letters spell out happiness
maybe the words aren't always kind
but they're never meant to make you feel alone
just to stand up to you

and i'll carry you
if you promise to carry me
we'll carry we
it's a simple thing
you and me

post a comment

Date:2007-08-20 21:33

i'm sick and tired of being somewhere between upset and content. and i'm tired of overthinking everything, of being overly sensitive and overly emotional and thinking all these things about about me, and i'm sick of being so disappointed all the time, and unhappy, and just stressed and awful to everyone around me. i hate feeling like such a waste of space and energy and empty efforts.

post a comment

Date:2007-08-07 18:35

today as i was going up to campus, there were a bajillion cops at the mission-bay intersection. so i take a detour, kind of annoyed that i may be late for class, when i catch the intersection out of the corner of my eye, and i think to myself, i swear i saw blood on the ground.


to all my friends who ride their bikes around, PLEASE please be careful.

post a comment

my journal